Episode 11: Two if by Tea

We find out favorite Ne'er-Do-Wells in the basement of the Red Dragon, having recently escaped from the deepest depths of Hell. While much of the group is still consoling each other Angus's axe had begun to glow with a rune that indicates a 'foe' is nearby. Then he gets a phone call. The group can only hear Scottish-flavored banter and random insults as Angus reconnects with his longtime friend Shtor Tomrir (SPELLING), who informs him- in addition to the fact that he is wonderfully drunk- that someone has been murdering Uberjacks, somehow. This troubles Angus: the only way an Uberjack can be killed is with the Uber-Axe itself, after it has found a newer and worthier wielder. Angus explains to the group that Shtor had been his mentor and an original- or the original Uberjack. He agrees to discuss these disturbing matters more with Shtor at a local pub, though which one is unspecified.

The group then begins their pub-crawl, starting at the most benign Irish pub in the line. When they enter they find that the place has been devastated; an empty bar, empty glasses lining the counter, and a bartender who appears to have been traumatized. Upon questioning he informs the group that a man by Shtor's description had taken off- quite literally- in the direction of the hospital after literally drinking everything in the place. Angus finds this improbable, as Uberjacks are immune to alcohol poisoning and need not the assistance of petty human doctors. The bartender then explains that the consortium of pub-owners had strategically placed the city's pubs in order of 'difficulty level-' starting with the frattiest bars and ending in the most traditional Scottish ones, and finally, the hospital. Shtor had leaped his way down the line. Cybro is offended by the bartender's lack of respect for the glorious Natty-lite, and offers him a can as a peace offering. The Ne'er-Do-Wells are then asked to leave, and they make their way to the next bar. Having recently found himself much more adept at power-jumping, Angus grabs Carrion and hurls himself into the air at such a velocity that the zombie's kidney actually drops right out of the hole in his side. Cybro manages to catch it mid-flight, but he is disappointed that his 'dubious homosexual tension' had been stolen by the Uberjack. The rest follow along.

At the next bar they encounter a similar scene, but to much less a degree. A considerable amount had been drank, but instead of finding a barren wasteland they found the man himself. At 8 feet tall, Shtor was a bear of a man. His thicket of body hair was hardly covered by his ripped-sleeves-formal-kilt-wear, and the his beard was bigger than Page's whole body, or so it seemed. He and Angus exchange the traditional Scottish greetings of 'bastard, tatty' and the like and then bro-hug it out. Shtor agrees to explain the situation after a round of drinks. He has the bartender cook up a specific beverage for each of the Ne'er-Do-Wells, most of whom didn't know their way around the bar. A nice Irish beer for Cybro, some wine or something for Boanna, a hard cider for Page, and an apple-tini for Carrion. Then he suggests they up the stakes- a drinking contest! Last man standing. Angus then has a devious idea. He produces a vial of Moondrops from his person and offers it to Shtor, warning him explicitly than more than a drop even for him would knock him out. Shtor mocks the wee-baby liquor and pops the cork on the vial, takes just a sip and immediately passes the heck out. Not even Boanna's magic can revive him. The bartender suggests they take him to the hospital, but Angus insists he'd be safer in his woodland cabin, what with the Uberjack-killer on the prowl. So the Ne'er-Do-Wells finish their drinks and then leap or fly to the place.

Angus's cabin is as rugged as the man himself, a robot-T-rex head mounted on the wall and an array of drinking-related books on the shelves. Page talks to them to make sure they're not being mistreated, and they are more than happy to regale her with the entire history of Scotland. Those who don't need to sleep chat about the day's events until the wee hours while Shtor recovers, and in the morning they reconvene to the smell of scotch-battered bacon. Then, the exposition happens. Shtor explains that three Uberjacks had been found dead in the past few months- a hairy man, a female Uberjill, and most recently, an immortal young boy from Sapphire City. All three of them had been found with a hole through them as if they'd been pierced with something large. Not knowing what could possibly pierce through the furry hide of a true Scottish hero, the team resolves to investigate the most recent murder site for clues.

They break-and-enter into the boy's house, which is empty except for his large collection of historical swords. On his computer is a heck-ton of pornography; though an Uberjack usually has no trouble finding a mate, one with the body of an eleven-year-old is unfortunately not in the position to benefit from his godlike prowess. Anyway, the magical investigation duo of Page and Boanna find no unusual magical traces at the murder site, so they decided to head to the hospital after all to take a look at the body. When they smooth-talk their way into the morgue they're informed by the pink-haired, bubblegum-chewing mortician that the body somehow disappeared. Not content to let this rest, the team asks for a list of people who might have been through there recently. A few fey employees and a new doctor- Mercy- stood out. They decided to pay her a visit at her office. She is a classy and buxom Englishwoman with an attitude, and after some prodding she reluctantly tells the very intimidating group that she'd taken the body aside for her own experimentation. This disturbed them, but they didn't have much time to process the information. As soon as they exited the office Shtor doubled over in pain, a bloody spot growing through his chest and a spear's tip sticking out between his well-sculpted pecks. He collapses dead and the group is greeted with a most peculiar sight.

Standing in the broken window is a man in full chainmail, with a massive mustache. He calls the spear back to him, says "right, tally-ho!" in the thickest British accent and falls back out the window. Then, it's a fight. Angus charges forward after him, summoning his own trump-card. From the distance a floating T-rex head appears and flies to him, latching onto his massive arm like a cannon. Mercy, who is not as innocent as she seems, heads to the roof and sets up her magical sniper-rifle. The Cybro grabs Carrion and they fly together after the spearman. Boanna and Page line up their spells, and the lightning bolt shocks him in his armor. After firing a round of dino-missiles Angus and he duke it out. Angus feels pain for the first time as the spear collides with his Uber-flesh, and the three men on the super-squad attempt to fight him at melee range. When he's had enough the spearman leaps back with Uberjack-like speed, and the group attempts again to catch up. Carrion throws a lamppost at him with limited success. Boanna, having had enough of this farcical battle, flies at top speed and assaults him with her strongest magic. With little harm done to themselves and with the feeling that they'd accomplished something very quickly that was supposed to drag out the plot a bit longer, the Ne'er-Do-Wells defeat the spearman.

He lies prone on the ground with his spear upheld. Carrion and Cybro attempt to grab it from him, but some telekinetic force- much like the one that binds Angus's axe to him- keeps it close. While this struggle is occurring and the spearman is attempting to reveal his motivations, Boanna swoops behind him and obliterates the back of his skull with a hex-bolt. While she and Angus agree that they'd had no reason to let him live or put him to justice, Carrion raises the issue that Page echoes in on: that if they showed such little mercy to their supposed enemies, then they'd be no better than them. As if on cue the corpse of the spearman begins to speak with Barrow Si's voice, mocking the group with the notion that it'd be quite unfortunate if they fulfilled their villainous potential. He tells them that the man had been one William Rugglesby, and his spear was the very weapon that pierced the testicles of the original Uberjack (which historical character is this again?): (ballpiercer). Carrion complained that the demons had a knack for giving innocent humans magical artifacts and bending them to their will, but Barrow Si confessed that he'd just "found the most British person ever" and given him the spear with the promise that he'd get to shed much Scottish blood. Boanna, originally from Ireland, sympathizes with Angus's excitement at having eliminated such a preposterous character.

However, Barrow Si's evil monologue is not over. He reminds Angus that his axe had glowed to indicate a threat to his safety. It does have one limitation, though: it can only detect the closest foe, not all of them. He cryptically implies that Rugglesby had been nothing more than a distraction, and the corpse goes limp.